Awhile
back I wrote a post about all the little happenings going on in The Box
House universe, the things that were "trending" in our lives. Here's
another installment of where we've been for the past month.
During
the month of February, I did a music challenge along with a friend of
mine. The challenge was to listen to only Christian music for 30 days. I
suppose she got the idea from K-Love- I'm sure at least some of you
have heard of it. I told her I would do it with her, but I wasn't going
to listen to drivel that K-Love plays. I blanketly apologize to all
K-Love supporters. No offense intended, of course, but those of you who
know me, know also my opinion of the majority of Christian music. It's a
joke. A tired, worn out, not even good joke. And so, I told my friend I
would take the challenge with her, with the stipulation that I created
the playlist. Spotify to the rescue!
Now,
listening to "Christian" music is hard for me. Not because I hate
Christ, or I despise Christians or Christianity in general. Rather, it's
hard because I don't believe that godly music is solely confined to the
contemporary Christian music genre, just like I don't believe that
godly art is only created by Christian artists, or godly books are only written
by Christian authors. The bible says all creation cries out to Him, declares
His glory (Psalm 19). Not just the creators. Now, I know, of course,
that not all songs, or artwork, or books, are wholesome and godly. Those
aren't the kind I mean. But why put a box on what ministers to us, on
what gives glory to Him? This is why Christian music is so hard for me-
because so much ministers to me. There is no line, in my mind. So much speaks
to my heart, to those deep wells that are constantly calling out to
deeper wells, proving to me over and over that I'm not truly for this
world. That I'm created higher, lower, deeper, fuller, bigger than this
life can ever make me. I am more, and I am less, than this world can
give me. So when I set out to make this playlist, I chose music that,
while all the artists are Christ followers, their music is not
necessarily what would be considered "Christian". Most of them certainly
wouldn't be played on K-Love. But it was the best I could do.
Throughout
the month, Ashton kept asking me who was "winning", me or my friend. To
him, "challenge" meant "contest". I tried to tell him, over and over,
that it wasn't about winning against another person. It was to challenge
yourself. He couldn't really get that. To him, everything is a
competition. Everything is black and white. If he fails in one area, he
fails across the board.
Which
made for a really miserable winter for us, thanks to his basketball
team being completely Bad News Bears. They won only one game the entire
season. I watched him lose over and over, and sink lower and lower. A
ten year old should not have to face as much defeat as he did this
winter. It was terrible to behold. And you try to convince them that it
isn't all about winning, that he just needs to do his best, and that
it's just a game. But the truth is, it is about winning. It isn't just
a game. What we do, unfortunately, defines who we think we are. And who
we think we are is almost always more important than who others think
we are. I could tell Ashton repeatedly that he wasn't a loser. But he
didn't believe me, because he thought he was one. I was never
happier to see the end of a sports season. With practices and games
consuming five nights a week, and then not even winning on top of that,
basketball ended up creating a huge strain over our household. Jeremy
left at the end of the last game of the season, and promptly drove down
the road to sign Ashton up for baseball. I just found out that practices
will again be five nights a week. When I freaked out over that, Jeremy
comforted me, saying, "Think of it this way: it's good practice for
football season." Lovely. Don't these coaches have lives?? I don't think
I'm cut out to be a sport mom. I can't handle the roller coaster of
emotions, not to mention the all consuming practice hours. I get tired
just thinking about it. Somebody, please, come and take my son to all of
his sporting practices, so I can have 10 seconds to breathe. So I can
[pretend I will] fold laundry and [much more likely] sit down and read a
book.
While
Ashton has been sportsting his little heart out, the girls have been
doing what they do best: scream and fuss at each other, slam the
bedroom door in each other's faces, say they're telling mom, then make
up and giggle hysterically together two minutes later. In other words,
being sisters. They would love to do extracurricular activities, too,
but sadly, while baseball and basketball are one time sign up fees, the
things the girls want to do- dance, gymnastics, figure skating, art
classes- all require monthly payments that add up to a small mortgage. I
hate for them to feel neglected. When I was little, I would have done
anything to take gymnastics classes. So I make things fun for them (I hope) at
home and let them waste reams of computer paper and crayons and
pencil lead creating masterpieces that either wind up on the fridge or
scotch taped to their textured walls, where they never end up sticking
because-obviously- scotch tape won't stick to a textured wall. I put on
music for them to dance to, and they take it upon themselves to do
gymnastics on all my furniture and couch cushions. Which I would
actually prefer for them not to do. I love watching them live life
together. I pray that they grow up best friends. My sister and I didn't
become close until I married and moved out of the house. We missed out. I
want so much more for my girls. I want them to realize the gift they
have in each other. A built in best friend, sidekick, wingman, even
enemy, when they need one. The best kind of enemy: the safe kind. The
kind you can get mad at and know that they'll still love you the next
day. The kind that tells you when you're screwing up but doesn't try to
change you, that lets you make your mistakes and helps you pick up the pieces afterward.
I
sometimes like to look for a common theme when I write paragraphs like
these. It helps me feel some sense of continuity, like these haphazard,
sloppy days are actually part of something bigger; like our life is a
fractal that only makes sense the further away you stand to gaze at it. I
guess that means it makes perfect sense to God. And maybe even to
outsiders who don't see us up close. Not in a way that makes our life a
lie, or an act put on to make us look like we've got it together. But in
a way that says maybe, just maybe, I've got it a little more together
than I think.
Maybe
that's what's trending right now at The Box House: realizing we're more
than we think. My music challenge pulled at that deeper part of me that
is always calling out to praise Him, whether the means are traditional
or not. Helped me to recognize that I'm more than just me, more than
just a part of this world.
Ashton is more than those heart wrenching
basketball games he suffered through over and over. He came home
defeated and distraught after each one. But he learned to be a team
player. He learned that you can get beat up and broken down and feel
like you can't go any lower, and to still get up and do it again. He's
so much stronger than he thought he was.
The girls are learning, even
without knowing it, that they don't have to be part of a group to
create. They don't have to have an instructor to dance, or even a gym
mat to tumble (again, not that I'm encouraging the furniture jumping).
They do, however, have to have something stronger than scotch tape if
they want to hang pictures on their walls.
And maybe I'm grasping at straws here, trying to tie together threads that don't
exist. Or maybe I'm stepping back, seeing the chaos that seems to be my life as
the fractal that it actually is. More than I can see close up. More than
I can understand, being on the inside. Maybe what I'm doing is
realizing that my life is actually a lot more than I know.
{{February-March Photo Dump}}
Lots of pictures in front of walls lately. What can I say? I love a good, solid backdrop.
P.S. Want to check out my Music Challenge playlist?
Click Here.
