But tonight I just need to write. I just need to purge some of this ick that I've been letting build up.
I've heard so many times "I love this person because I have to." "I'm trying hard to love so and so." Or, most often, "I want to love..." What does that even mean? If you have to want to love someone, doesn't it imply that you actually don't want to? Let's be honest here. We don't love this person because we have to. We don't try to love so and so. We don't want to love each other. What we want is for this person, and so and so, and each other to be lovable. We don't want to work to see value in others. We want it to be easy. We want lovable people in our lives to make us love them. But the truth is, people are not lovable. We are not lovable. We're human. We're ugly. We make mistakes, and we make it hard for people to love us.
I don't make it easy for people to love me. I push them away. Don't look me in the eye. Don't touch me. I hide behind my smirks and eyebrow quirks and my one liners. But the fact is that I'm so terrified of being unloved that I make myself so. And then I question my value to everyone. Am I "this person" to them? Am I "so and so", whose only chance of being loved is "through Christ so help me God, because if not for Him I wouldn't have anything to do with her"?
But no. No. This isn't a cry for help. I don't need an overwhelming response about how loved I really am. I don't need someone to pat me on my back and tell me I'm special. Like I said, this is a purge. And a challenge. To myself, to strain towards love. Not by earning someone's love, but by teaching myself to acknowledge that someone's worth, whether I can see it or not. To look for it. To embrace it and grow it and cheer it on, and yes- to pat someone on the back and tell them how special they are.
Because whether we are lovable or not, one thing is certain: We are loved, by the Someone. By the So And So. By the One who made us lovely.
